Chapter 8: Early Warnings of a Covert Narcissist

“An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” - Benjamin Franklin

A funny thing happens when you start to talk to people about dealing with covert narcissists. They may never have heard the term, and indeed not many people have ever heard that term. But when you start to describe the behaviors that delineate a covert narcissist, you see the lights go on in their eyes. Recognition that goes far back in their memory, years and decades even, of someone in their past that always left an odd impression or just felt off suddenly makes more sense. It’s like they have finally discovered the starting point on a treasure map.

And then the next question that almost inevitably follows - “How do you recognize a covert narcissist?” That, friends, is today’s topic, and one that requires revisiting from time to time. There’s no single characteristic behavior that one can point to - as humans, we all do a “narcissistic” thing from time to time. But when you start to see clusters of certain behaviors that’s a very good sign you might be dealing with a narcissist.

So bookmark this list as you may want to refer back from time to time.

“Love Bombing.” Covert narcissists tend to idealize a potential primary source of supply rather quickly. They will put you up on a pedestal, really without even knowing you yet, as a means of manipulating you. What they’re doing is hijacking your emotions and pair bonding mechanisms to get you addicted to them, quickly.

Covert narcissists often need the early part of the relationship to move quickly because the mask they are wearing will slip sooner or later, and they know it. Once they have you hooked into an exclusive relationship, the mask will slip the rest of the way and the abuse will begin in earnest.

“Pity Me.” Everybody has a story they can tell wherein they were the victim of some injustice. But for narcissists, this is a “core” feature to getting the attention and validation that they desire. They’re likely to have many such stories on hand and will watch closely how your react to gauge how well you can be manipulated. In my experience, they never take responsibility for their own actions in such stories or, if they do, there’s a noticeable shallowness. Remember, covert narcissists are working hard to protect their own very fragile ego, so you’re much more likely to hear blame shifting, distractions, or outright lies.

“Excessive Humility”. Humble bragging is one of those things that always seems to get under peoples’ skin. Oddly, it always seemed to aggravate the narcissists of my acquaintance even more than average. Again, it’s a ploy to look good in front of others in a way that is socially acceptable. I mean who can criticize you for doing something selfless, right? But they always bring it back to themselves and mar the perfect image in the process, giving you some insight into the real person behind the mask.

“Hard to Please”. Narcissists always seem to feel like they have the perfect plan. If you suggest an idea, no matter how solid it may be, you’re likely to get minor changes or “improvements” to it, along with claims that the idea was their all along. Or you may get absolute resistance to anything that wasn’t their idea. Your covert narcissist may try to come across as polite or even helpful, but underneath there is an undercurrent of superiority to their notions that they will refuse to let go. Push it hard enough and it will likely become a significant argument over a minor thing.

“Criticism is Kryptonite”. Narcissists are deeply concerned over being made vulnerable, “exposed”, or losing status. Their core fears render them absolutely allergic to the most reasonable, helpful, and legitimate criticism criticism many times. One great example of this: My late wife and covert narcissist, Anne, was once given a sharp rebuke from her mother in front of me, and frankly, she deserved it. But when I suggested that perhaps her mother had a point, not only was it unthinkable that her mother might be right, but that I was “betraying” her for suggesting that she should listen to her mother. Even worse, I hadn’t jumped into the conversation immediately to defend her honor, as it were, deepening the betrayal.

If you want to see a covert narcissist get wild, just suggest that they may be wrong in an argument and you’ll see the mask slip. Big Time.

“All Your Boundaries Are Mine.” You’ll pardon my paraphrasing of of the meme here, but it points to a significant narcissistic red flag. It’s a key factor for a covert narcissist to be able to control you, and that means being able to cross your boundaries at will. The tests will start almost immediately and carefully ramp up to gauge your reactions. When you assert a boundary, the reaction is often anger, manipulation, or both. This will go on for as long as you are in close proximity to the narcissist as a means of continually breaking you to their will.

“Sick Call.” Oddly, narcissists often have an array of health complaints. It’s a great source of validation from authorities (doctors, psychologists, etc.) and sympathy from the rest of their circle. And some of these health complaints may have a genuine basis; narcissists tend to have a a heavy load of anxiety as they seek to control their world and avoid being “exposed”. But all too often they will self-medicate into drug addiction to such things as opioids and benzodiazepines along with heavy dependence upon anti-depressants and other psychoactive meds. Alcohol and other substance abuse is a shockingly common symptom of a covert narcissist. I have deep personal experience in dealing with this indicator from a covert narcissist; ignore or miss this indicator at your own peril.

Wrapping Up

There are other signs, such as excessive self-focus, a quietly pessimistic worldview that always paints the world as a bad place, an oversized sense of entitlement, or mistreatment of others seemingly “beneath” them, that will help indicate a covert narcissist.

But it bears emphasis here that you must always keep in mind:
No single indicator means someone is a narcissist.

Having said that, if you start to see a cluster of 3 or more of these repeatedly, over time, you’d best sit up and pay attention. Step outside yourself and take a good, hard look at their behavior. If your brain doesn’t tell you right away, your gut often will fill in the blanks and you should listen to that.

Be well. —Fritz