Chapter 5: Why Me?
But I’m a good guy! Why did a covert narcissist target me?
One question common to most guys that end up involved with a female covert narcissist goes something like this:
“Why me? I’m a good guy! I did everything in my power to to take care of her, be her hero and protect her from the world. I was honest, even when it wasn’t convenient and I was above all loyal to her. And she STILL tortured me the whole relationship!”
If you’ve asked that question, or that question hits home for you at all, congratulations - you’re this close to the real answer. And the real reasons may surprise you.
A Finely Tuned Radar
Female covert narcissists (FCNs) are absolute masters at reading people. This can easily be mistaken for genuine empathy, and often is. They’ll inquire about how you’re feeling about something. Ask about difficult times and good times from your past. They pay close attention to the things that you regret, things that anger you, things that make you sad or depressed. Not because they genuinely care, but because they’re gathering intel on you and learning your vulnerabilities so that, one day down the road, they can start weaponizing those things against you.
What’s more, FCNs are looking for a particular kind of target. They want someone they can manipulate for the long run. Someone that they can co-opt into regulating their nervous system for them for the long term. Someone that will give them an endless supply of validation, attention, admiration, and, I would add, no small amount of mental, emotional, physical, intellectual, and financial currency.
Who would get sucked into such an terrible relationship? I’ve seen it play out again and again, both in my own life and in that of many other men. If you’re a “good guy”and don’t know any better, odds are, you would.
A Juicy Target
I can hear the exclamations of disbelief after reading that all the way here in my living room. Why would an abusive narcissist target a good guy?!? Wouldn’t being with a good guy help her feel safe rather than ? The simple answer is a definitive NO.
The reality is, FCNs target the good guy, specifically, because of her insatiable need for high quality supply. And nothing on this earth will change that pattern. Let me explain.
The female covert narcissist wants three things: 1) she wants her supply, 2) she wants the supplier to help regulate her emotions for her, and 3) she wants that supply to LAST.
She’s looking for a PHIL.
Who the heck is PHIL? PHIL is an acronym used to denote a certain supportive and caring personality type we’d normally just think of as a “good guy” with 4 specific personality traits.
P - Protector. You look for solutions and want to protect people. Your FCN wants you to believe you can “fix her”, even though you can’t.
H - Hero. You don’t give up easily and anything is possible. Optimistic that there’s a reward at the end of this struggle.
I - Integrity. You are who you say you are, and do what you say you’ll do to prove your worth.
L - Loyal. To a fault. Even at the expense of your own needs and desires.
Does this guy sound familiar yet? He should - that describes just about every genuine “good guy” out there. But there’s one more attribute that will absolutely draw in covert narcissist like a moth to flame: Empathy.
Now, empathy isn’t some weepy, weak concept. It simply means you can identify with or envision yourself in another person’s feelings, situation, or state of mind. And that’s what makes it so powerful to an FCN - it means you can see some of her broken aspects, but you can also still hold space for her, because you see both the good and the bad. You might even think you can “fix” her.
Spoiler alert: you can’t. But it does make the supply she gets from you the most intoxicating of all. Attention and validation are the coin of the realm for narcissists of all stripes but in normal circumstances that supply is shallow and short-lived. If the normal supply one gets from, say, social media is like a caffeine buzz, the supply she gets from an empathic, good man is heroin.
Setting the Hook
Now that we know WHY she targets you, Phil, let’s quickly recap on the HOW.
The idealization and love bombing will start fast, so very early on an FCN will seem like the soulmate you never knew existed. Interrogations Conversations will go on for hours, but she’ll only tell you a very selective version of her life events that carefully paint her as both innocent victim and virtuous maiden, activating your protector instincts right away and putting you in the role of hero that she needs you to be in, through thick and thin, for the rest of that relationship.
Meanwhile, the whole time you’ve been having all of those deep talks, she’s been pulling information out of you so fast it would make a CIA interrogator blush.
When an FCN is being vulnerable it’s mostly a tool to help learn about your strengths and weaknesses. She’s discovering your history, especially the parts you aren’t proud of. She’s learning your tells and watching closely how well you defend your personal boundaries. And when she has enough information, she’ll start putting it to use.
Sooner or later her mask will slip a little and the roles in what you thought was an ideal relationship will shift. Because you’re in that role of protector/hero, she will now require you to “protect” her from all manner of upsetting things, even very small things, because you have inadvertently also stepped into the role of managing her emotions and defending her from anything that might be seen by her as a threat to her inflated and fragile self-image.
Once you’re in that role and committed to the relationship, your FCN will slowly ratchet down on anything that distracts from your mission - her. If you have boundaries, she will systematically work to tear them down. Spend time with family, even your own kids? She’ll put you into loyalty binds and try to separate you from your own support networks.
If she sees you’re edging toward putting an end to the relationship, suddenly the “nice” girl will come out, just enough to hook you with tears, apologies, excuses for her destructive behavior, and promises to do better in the future. But no matter how sincere it may seem, it is nothing more than her pushing your buttons and manipulating you back into place as her protector/hero and ensuring that not only her emotions are protected, but she still has that amazing narcissistic supply from you.
Final Thoughts
I could probably go on endlessly about my own personal experiences in this realm. I was a textbook PHIL for my second wife, Anne, and fell for the manipulations repeatedly. But, eventually, I did learn who I was and who she was. Even though I still didn’t know what a female covert narcissist was, I finally let myself see the patterns of her behavior, how I reacted, and how it formed a cycle.
My sincerest desire for you, Dear Reader, is that you can learn to identify both your own PHIL-like tendencies and how to spot a covert narcissist without being trapped by one. In my next article, I’ll address setting and holding boundaries, one of the best filters for keeping an FCN at bay.
Until then, be well. -FK